The Smallest Alien in the Universe!
Last night I was attacked by the smallest alien in the universe. Wait, maybe “attacked” isn’t the right word. Last night I was visited by the smallest alien in the universe. There, that sounds slightly less fabricated.
It all went down a little past 11:30 PM-EST, outside of my home on the tropical island of Key Colony Beach, smack dab in the middle of the Florida Keys.
My wife and I had just climbed under the blankets when I noticed my Australian Shepherd puppy clawing neurotically at the bedroom door that leads out to the carport. Assuming that he really needed to take a leak (he never claws at the door), I rolled out of bed and sluggishly sauntered over to let him out.
I cracked open the door just wide enough so that Innis (that’s the dog’s name) could squeeze his square posterior through the opening and go out to do his business. Yet to my surprise Innis just sat there, unwilling to move.
“Come on,” I encouraged him. “Go to the bathroom. Go pee.” Still no response, the dog sat his ground and gazed up at me as if I were crazy to think he was going out there.
Fine, I thought. I’ll go out with you if that’s what it’s going to take. Anything so that I can go back to bed and get some much needed sleep. So I opened the door, carefully navigated the step, and ventured out into the pitch black carport.
It was a cloudy night, and the moon was well hidden behind a large anvil cloud that had been hovering out over the Atlantic all evening. The cloud blocked any trace of moonlight and created an erie darkness that barely allowed for a foot of visibility.
I took a few apprehensive steps onto the pavement and searched for any inkling of movement that might indicate a scorpion scurrying about. The past week I had seen a rather large one loitering near the front tire of my Kia, and though there are no poisonous scorpions to be found in the Florida Keys, I still hate the little impostors, and don’t care to ever get stung by one- poisonous or not.
It was about this time that I turned back towards to door to inform Innis that the path was clear. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, my attention was captured by two bright, beedy, nuclear disaster-glowing green eyes chasing towards me. They charged at me at such a speed that I had no time to think, only to react- and I hurled myself back inside and slammed the door.
“What the %#&@ was that,” I asked Innis? No response. The dog didn’t know what it was either.
“Jen, get up” I yelled to my wife! “Hurry, there’s something outside!”
“What is it?” she asked, perturbed that I had awoken her- but also concerned from the urgency in my voice that an axe murder was quite possibly waiting outside the door, preparing to hack us apart.
“There’s a crazy creature out there,” I went on. “And it’s eyes are glowing!”
“Where is it?” she asked as she climbed out of bed and walked towards the door. She was no longer worried for our safety but rather completely annoyed with me.
“Be careful,” I said. “It’s right outside the door. We don’t want it coming in.”
Jen opened the door and looked out into the carport. “There’s nothing there,” she said. “You must be hallucinating. Did you smoke anything tonight?”
“No, I swear, it’s out there. Keep looking.”
Jen looked out once more and still there was no sign of the fluorescent eyes. The creature must be hiding, I thought. But then, without warning, the eyes reappeared, and the creature crawled hastily towards us.
————- PAUSE ————
The below link takes you to a video of what we saw. I apologize in advance for the shoddy camera work, but I am certain you can understand that it was difficult to remain calm and keep the camera steady under the circumstances. Please, I warn you, do not watch this video if you are easily frightened.
———— CONTINUE ———-
“Holy crap,” Jen shrieked! “What is that thing?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “But you better get the gun, we’re gonna need it.”
Jen reached into the drawer and pulled out the .380 automatic pistol. “No,” I stopped her! “The shotgun, I think it’s an alien.”
Jen handed me the shotgun from under the bed and I loaded two shells into the chamber. “I’m going after it,” I said. “I’m not going to let it eat us.”
“Wait,” my wife stopped me. “Be careful, and remember that I love you.”
————- STOP ————–
Okay, the above sequence of events may not have occurred. What did happen though was that I turned on the carport light (I’m starting to wonder why I didn’t do this in the first place), and went back outside to try and figure out what the hell this thing with the glowing green eyes was.
What I discovered was a small alien– quite possibly the universe’s smallest alien– disguised as a one-inch long beetle. And rather than it attacking us as I had feared, the alien merely scurried towards the bushes and disappeared. I can only assume that’s where it’s spaceship was hidden.
Now, many entomologists may argue that what I saw was a glowing click beetle (read all about them here), not an alien at all. They would also likely say that click beetles are common in tropical regions, including the Florida Keys– and that it’s eyes weren’t glowing at all, that this species of beetle has two bioluminescent spots (brighter than fireflies!) above its thorax to help it communicate with others of its kind.
Still, I have found no evidence to support that “glowing click beetles” are not, in fact, the universe’s smallest aliens.
I applaud the theories of these so called “bug experts,” as flawed as they may be, but I can only assume that they are covering up the largest conspiracy this country has ever seen–and hiding the harsh truth that the world is being overrun by tiny, green-eyed aliens, that have come here to scare our dogs and wake up our women.